Tag Archives: stories

A blender, a book, and a hula.

27 Oct

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I feel for all of you stay home moms or dads in America. Your daytime television is a disaster.

Last Thursday, I decided to work from home as my post vacation cold was getting the best of me and per experience when you show up with a cold at the office, some people treat you like a leper.

I think what finally cured my runny nose and sneezing was not the doses of NeoCitron but the shock of actually having daytime TV from the US as background noise.

This is what I learned.

The Travis Stork Show.

“Say what? What do you mean the show is called, The Doctors?”

Yes, this is a show about four doctors, kinda like having four “Dr. Oz’s” in one. The catch to captivate the female audience, is the fact that there is a cute one, Travis Stork, and all the show evolves around him. He is the only one who talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, shows biceps, talks, shows chest, talks, smiles to the camera, talks, wears the gym outfits, and talks, he for the whole hour, while the other three…well lets say they better be looking for another job outside the network and considering changing agents.

Daytime crap shows follow the same pattern. It is simple. They bring a guest, he/she offers a tear jerker testimonial of how they lost 7000 pounds by using a hula and “presto:”

THE WHOOOOOLE AUDIENCE GETS A HUUULA!

Screams and clapping from audience.

Then we have a stay home dad who looked like Omar Khadr, but discovered that by walking 15 minutes a day you could change your lifestyle, become a hunk and a published author.

“The Pains of Looking like a Terrorist and Being Fat!”

THE WHOOOOLE AUDIENCE GETS THE BOOK

Screams and clapping from audience.

Act Three. A woman shows up and mentions how he lost weight by changing her eating habits and drinking shakes made with Greek yoghurt.

THE WHOLE AUDIENCE GETS…A BLENDER!!!!!!!”

Screams and clapping from audience.

Seriously, for over an hour I did not hear anything else but the audience yelling, screaming and clapping by being given all those freebies. Who is gonna carry all that crap, anyway?

A hula? Really?

I mean if it were a car or at least a job. No, a blender, a book and a hula. Bliss.

Afterwards to make the pain excruciating, there is the eternal household game show. “The Price is Right.”

Seriously. I have known this show for decades and I can’t even tell you how annoyed I get by stupid contestants who after 40 years still don’t know that if you want to win the car in “Hi s and Low s” you never, NEVER, EVER, choose the Preparation H ointment or the Tide with Sheer Color Guard,

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE!

I can understand that the Marine Corp. may not know how much is the price of a glamorous collection of maternity clothes but bidding $2000dls. for a trip to Australia!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Lets not go into the showcase showdown, where I have won in my head 34 Speedboats, 12 cars, 6 trailers, 78 trips around the world, 247 dining rooms and never gone over.

Sigh. Yes that is what TV has to offer for stay home people. That and Barbara Walters questioning “Why nobody in America has brought up the fact that Mitt Romney is a Mormon?

Let me tell you why.

“Babs, -I call her Babs-. Nobody cares he is a Mormon, people would care if he had 8 wives locked in a basement with 6 children each calling him “papa” and he would publicly confess he owns a Starbucks franchise.”

There.

“Oh, Thank God, I think the NeoCitron is finally kicking in.”

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Tales from the Hardware Store

29 Sep

This morning at the hardware store.

(I am on my cellphone)

“Ok so I found the rubber for the toilet pipe, what about the shower head”

“Excuse me”

Someone tapped my shoulder.

“Yes, the rubber and the shower heads? Ok, only if they are cheap, got it…”

“Excuse meeeeee!”

An irritated older guy approaches me, taps again my shoulder and mumbles.

“Mumble, mumble, blah, blah, blah client of this store for over 20 years and now all of a sudden, blah,blah, blah, you ran out blah, blah, style kitchen blah, blah, blah its unacceptable.”

“Ok, got it, sweetie, I’ ll call you If I need anything else!  -click-  Excuse me sir, can’t you see I am on a personal phone call, here?”

“Well, that is not the right way to treat a customer. Who is your manager?!!!… You do work here don’t ya?”

Do you see me bald, overweight, wearing tubed 501’s, a plaid shirt under an orange apron that says Home Depot or in this particular case, a blue t-shirt that spells RONA? Because you are at fucking RONA you know, and RONA employees are obliged to wear a blue t-shirt that spells R O N A.

If looks could kill, that guy was sent by mine to death row in a second.

“No sir, can’t you see I am wearing a hoodie, jeans, loafers (no socks) and my hair looks like shit?”

“Can you point me where is the plumbing employer I have a complaint to make!”

What am I now, friggin customer service desk?

“I am sorry sir, I would not know, but I am sure someone with a blue shirt that says: “RONA” will help you better than me.”

“Well, that’s not much of a help, is it?”

The nerve.

“Hi welcome to RONA can I help anyone?”

Saved by the bell.

And as the man was about to open his mouth…

“Yes, I need some rubber washers this size and some shower heads…”

“Sure come this way. Say, that man looks pissed, was he there first?”

“Yes 20 years before me, but not today, and believe me, you’ll thank me later!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Phone stories

19 Jun

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“RIIIING”

“Allo”

“Hi, Jennifer?”

Do I sound like a frigging Jennfier to you? Sh#t! unless I have the squeakiest voice in town and nobody has had the guts to inform me.

“No, you have the wrong number.”

“Who is this?”

“This is God, sweet child, and I can assure you there is no Jennifer here, just some forgotten runner ups in the race to Popedom.”

I mean: “what difference does it make, you know you dialed the f…ing wrong number?”

Sometimes I don’t understand people who insist on carrying a conversation when they have the wrong number; why not only apologize and hang up. Specially when they call at the most unusual hours.

1:02 am 

“RIING!”

“Msbmmh…mm heallo, *yawwn*?”

“Is this the Watson’s residence?”

“No, Sherlock, you have the wrong number.”

Click.

1:03 am

“RIIIIIING, RIIING”

Fuckmeslowlywithachainsaw

“mmmmmHELLO!”

“Is this the Watson’s residence?”

Did you just press fucking “redial” on your phone?

“You just called this same number, sir, Christ, what number did you want to dial?”

“(541)…”

Amazing how in the middle of the night my brain is capable of processing mathematics, at least the basics.

“Ah, you have the wrong area code. Five-four-one covers the State of Oregon.” (I googled it for research, afterwards). You are calling Canada.

“Oh, my!”

“Oh, my? How about I am sorry I disturbed your sleep, @ hole?!?!”

“So there is a 3 hour time difference from where I am, and its frigging 1am in the morning!!!!”

“Oh, my.”

Click.

Seriously, the guy kept calling for a few weeks and he still did not understand he had the wrong area code!  Besides, I mean who on gay hell dials a number and opens up with:

“Is this the Watson’s residence?”

Well, if you were intending to call the Watson’s residence, who do you expect will answer on the other side of the line:  the Jetsons, the Huckstables, the Sopranos…?

In that case maybe yes, it’s better to ask the obvious if you do not recognize the voice on the other side:

“Hi, Jennifer…?”

Then I would go again like:

Do I sound like a frigging Jennfier to you? Sh#t! unless I have the squeakiest voice in town and nobody has had the guts to inform me. Yada yada yada been there, said that, and end of story.

However recently I got an unbelievable call

RIIING

“Allo”

“Who’s this?”

“Who are you looking for, sir?”

“I am calling because I got this phone bill with your number on it and I have never dialed it before.”

Oh, now suddenly I am a customer service agent…?

“Obviously you have, because it is in your statement and you are calling back.”

“Well I wanted to know who lives here because I know nobody under this number.”

“You are the guy looking for the Watson ‘s, aren’t you?”

 

*****

Update.

Just this morning, I got a phone call from my “coiffure” reminding me of  a haircut appointment for 12:15 am today.

Funny thing,  she did not have the wrong number, but I had my appointment two weeks ago.

Glad to make a contribution

3 Feb

According to Jobboom magazine, one of the new excuses people use to “call in sick” and avoid work is the following:

“My brother-in-law was vacationing in Mexico and was kidnapped by drug lords.”

“Seriously?”

Hey, I am honored  that my homeland’s sad insecurity panorama is boosting the Québécois creativity when it comes to call in sick. “Bola de huevones, if you ask me,” but then again, couldn’t they be MORE creative?

I mean seriously, “my brother-in-law?” would you actually loose sleep over a brother-in-law?

I just hope the “narcos” or “zetas” give a way pink slips, else how will you justify your absenteeism to your boss?

Boss: “Did the “narcos” freed your brother-in-law?”

Employee: “Yes, it cost an arm and a leg,” (no pun intended).

Boss: “I need proof and receipts for H.R.”

Employee: “……”

Did you think it was gonna be that simple?

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