Tag Archives: humor

Movember Celebrity Cause

22 Nov

I am so happy more and more people specially celebrities are joining the Movember cause agains prostate cancer. Even LaToya Jackson!

 

KUDOS LaToya!

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A blender, a book, and a hula.

27 Oct

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I feel for all of you stay home moms or dads in America. Your daytime television is a disaster.

Last Thursday, I decided to work from home as my post vacation cold was getting the best of me and per experience when you show up with a cold at the office, some people treat you like a leper.

I think what finally cured my runny nose and sneezing was not the doses of NeoCitron but the shock of actually having daytime TV from the US as background noise.

This is what I learned.

The Travis Stork Show.

“Say what? What do you mean the show is called, The Doctors?”

Yes, this is a show about four doctors, kinda like having four “Dr. Oz’s” in one. The catch to captivate the female audience, is the fact that there is a cute one, Travis Stork, and all the show evolves around him. He is the only one who talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, shows biceps, talks, shows chest, talks, smiles to the camera, talks, wears the gym outfits, and talks, he for the whole hour, while the other three…well lets say they better be looking for another job outside the network and considering changing agents.

Daytime crap shows follow the same pattern. It is simple. They bring a guest, he/she offers a tear jerker testimonial of how they lost 7000 pounds by using a hula and “presto:”

THE WHOOOOOLE AUDIENCE GETS A HUUULA!

Screams and clapping from audience.

Then we have a stay home dad who looked like Omar Khadr, but discovered that by walking 15 minutes a day you could change your lifestyle, become a hunk and a published author.

“The Pains of Looking like a Terrorist and Being Fat!”

THE WHOOOOLE AUDIENCE GETS THE BOOK

Screams and clapping from audience.

Act Three. A woman shows up and mentions how he lost weight by changing her eating habits and drinking shakes made with Greek yoghurt.

THE WHOLE AUDIENCE GETS…A BLENDER!!!!!!!”

Screams and clapping from audience.

Seriously, for over an hour I did not hear anything else but the audience yelling, screaming and clapping by being given all those freebies. Who is gonna carry all that crap, anyway?

A hula? Really?

I mean if it were a car or at least a job. No, a blender, a book and a hula. Bliss.

Afterwards to make the pain excruciating, there is the eternal household game show. “The Price is Right.”

Seriously. I have known this show for decades and I can’t even tell you how annoyed I get by stupid contestants who after 40 years still don’t know that if you want to win the car in “Hi s and Low s” you never, NEVER, EVER, choose the Preparation H ointment or the Tide with Sheer Color Guard,

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE!

I can understand that the Marine Corp. may not know how much is the price of a glamorous collection of maternity clothes but bidding $2000dls. for a trip to Australia!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Lets not go into the showcase showdown, where I have won in my head 34 Speedboats, 12 cars, 6 trailers, 78 trips around the world, 247 dining rooms and never gone over.

Sigh. Yes that is what TV has to offer for stay home people. That and Barbara Walters questioning “Why nobody in America has brought up the fact that Mitt Romney is a Mormon?

Let me tell you why.

“Babs, -I call her Babs-. Nobody cares he is a Mormon, people would care if he had 8 wives locked in a basement with 6 children each calling him “papa” and he would publicly confess he owns a Starbucks franchise.”

There.

“Oh, Thank God, I think the NeoCitron is finally kicking in.”

Wall Street On The Roof

11 Oct

 

“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch. Matchmaker, matchmaker, look through your internet online dating site, and make me a perfect match!

So meet Larry Greenfield a very unlucky Wall Street millionaire (see, money does not buy happiness) who at 47, is still single. And he probably still lives with his mother.

Lazar Wolf’s, ahem, sorry, Larry’s problem, is simple. He is trapped in Anatevka. He wants to find a slim, younger lovely jewish girl who has no ambition in life but to cook, clean and gives him daughters -rumor has it he already picked the names- Tzeitel, Chava, Hodel, Bielke and Shprintze.

“Wake up and smell the piroshki!”

Like he is going to find one of those in New York at this time and age.

The most amazing thing is that he has spent $65,000, yes $65,000 and gone to 250 dates to realize that he is just not that good of a catch!

Seriously, I would have charged him half of it, no, lets be honest, I would have been happy with enough money to pay my credit card debt and would tell him the ugly truth straight and forward.

“Larry, you are ugly and you need Rogaine!”- there.

Yup, sadly, money does not buy love, nor happiness…but ahhhhh:

If I were a rich man,
Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Idle-diddle-daidle-daidle man.

But hey, at least I got the looks!

Airport Eavesdropping

10 Oct

At the food court.

Kid1: Mom?

Mom: Yes, dear.

Kid1: What would you choose, to work at a coffee shop or to be a billionaire?

Me, me, me, me! I know the answer to this one.

Mom: (Chuckles) Well, I guess I would rather be a billionaire. But you know what?

Kid1: What?

Mom: Most billionaires started working at coffee shops.

Nah, skim milk and two sugars really wont get you that far.

Kid1: Oh.  And what would you like to be a movie star or a billionaire?

Kid2: Silly! Movie stars are billionaires!

Nah, ask Molly Ringwald

 

Tales from the Hardware Store

29 Sep

This morning at the hardware store.

(I am on my cellphone)

“Ok so I found the rubber for the toilet pipe, what about the shower head”

“Excuse me”

Someone tapped my shoulder.

“Yes, the rubber and the shower heads? Ok, only if they are cheap, got it…”

“Excuse meeeeee!”

An irritated older guy approaches me, taps again my shoulder and mumbles.

“Mumble, mumble, blah, blah, blah client of this store for over 20 years and now all of a sudden, blah,blah, blah, you ran out blah, blah, style kitchen blah, blah, blah its unacceptable.”

“Ok, got it, sweetie, I’ ll call you If I need anything else!  -click-  Excuse me sir, can’t you see I am on a personal phone call, here?”

“Well, that is not the right way to treat a customer. Who is your manager?!!!… You do work here don’t ya?”

Do you see me bald, overweight, wearing tubed 501’s, a plaid shirt under an orange apron that says Home Depot or in this particular case, a blue t-shirt that spells RONA? Because you are at fucking RONA you know, and RONA employees are obliged to wear a blue t-shirt that spells R O N A.

If looks could kill, that guy was sent by mine to death row in a second.

“No sir, can’t you see I am wearing a hoodie, jeans, loafers (no socks) and my hair looks like shit?”

“Can you point me where is the plumbing employer I have a complaint to make!”

What am I now, friggin customer service desk?

“I am sorry sir, I would not know, but I am sure someone with a blue shirt that says: “RONA” will help you better than me.”

“Well, that’s not much of a help, is it?”

The nerve.

“Hi welcome to RONA can I help anyone?”

Saved by the bell.

And as the man was about to open his mouth…

“Yes, I need some rubber washers this size and some shower heads…”

“Sure come this way. Say, that man looks pissed, was he there first?”

“Yes 20 years before me, but not today, and believe me, you’ll thank me later!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Morning quickie

25 Sep

At the subway station this morning.

Lady: “Excuse me. Is this the right way to the Atwater station?”

Me: “Yes, you are on the right platform, just get off at the next stop.”

Lady: “Thanks.”

Long pause

Lady: “So, this is the right direction to the Atwater, right…?”

Me: “Huh…yeah, just get off at the next stop.”

Lady: “Then I guess the subway rail below us is going the opposite direction…?”

No, it actually goes the same direction but it is exclusively for third class citizens. Like in the Titanic.

F#@k!ng  morning people.

“X” is bad

20 Sep

Is she on “X”?

Well I don’t know about her, but people who actually expect to be judged by “trailer trash” are definitely high on something.

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