Airport Eavesdropping

10 Oct

At the food court.

Kid1: Mom?

Mom: Yes, dear.

Kid1: What would you choose, to work at a coffee shop or to be a billionaire?

Me, me, me, me! I know the answer to this one.

Mom: (Chuckles) Well, I guess I would rather be a billionaire. But you know what?

Kid1: What?

Mom: Most billionaires started working at coffee shops.

Nah, skim milk and two sugars really wont get you that far.

Kid1: Oh.  And what would you like to be a movie star or a billionaire?

Kid2: Silly! Movie stars are billionaires!

Nah, ask Molly Ringwald

 

Tales from the Hardware Store

29 Sep

This morning at the hardware store.

(I am on my cellphone)

“Ok so I found the rubber for the toilet pipe, what about the shower head”

“Excuse me”

Someone tapped my shoulder.

“Yes, the rubber and the shower heads? Ok, only if they are cheap, got it…”

“Excuse meeeeee!”

An irritated older guy approaches me, taps again my shoulder and mumbles.

“Mumble, mumble, blah, blah, blah client of this store for over 20 years and now all of a sudden, blah,blah, blah, you ran out blah, blah, style kitchen blah, blah, blah its unacceptable.”

“Ok, got it, sweetie, I’ ll call you If I need anything else!  -click-  Excuse me sir, can’t you see I am on a personal phone call, here?”

“Well, that is not the right way to treat a customer. Who is your manager?!!!… You do work here don’t ya?”

Do you see me bald, overweight, wearing tubed 501’s, a plaid shirt under an orange apron that says Home Depot or in this particular case, a blue t-shirt that spells RONA? Because you are at fucking RONA you know, and RONA employees are obliged to wear a blue t-shirt that spells R O N A.

If looks could kill, that guy was sent by mine to death row in a second.

“No sir, can’t you see I am wearing a hoodie, jeans, loafers (no socks) and my hair looks like shit?”

“Can you point me where is the plumbing employer I have a complaint to make!”

What am I now, friggin customer service desk?

“I am sorry sir, I would not know, but I am sure someone with a blue shirt that says: “RONA” will help you better than me.”

“Well, that’s not much of a help, is it?”

The nerve.

“Hi welcome to RONA can I help anyone?”

Saved by the bell.

And as the man was about to open his mouth…

“Yes, I need some rubber washers this size and some shower heads…”

“Sure come this way. Say, that man looks pissed, was he there first?”

“Yes 20 years before me, but not today, and believe me, you’ll thank me later!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Morning quickie

25 Sep

At the subway station this morning.

Lady: “Excuse me. Is this the right way to the Atwater station?”

Me: “Yes, you are on the right platform, just get off at the next stop.”

Lady: “Thanks.”

Long pause

Lady: “So, this is the right direction to the Atwater, right…?”

Me: “Huh…yeah, just get off at the next stop.”

Lady: “Then I guess the subway rail below us is going the opposite direction…?”

No, it actually goes the same direction but it is exclusively for third class citizens. Like in the Titanic.

F#@k!ng  morning people.

“X” is bad

20 Sep

Is she on “X”?

Well I don’t know about her, but people who actually expect to be judged by “trailer trash” are definitely high on something.

I Overheard it, again…

19 Sep

So two girls are walking past by me.

Girl1: …so what are you planning to do?

Girl 2: Well, I can swallow a lot!

Lucky Bastard.

This is not a Dilbert strip

19 Sep

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So I arrived today at the office wearing a light pink “V” neck sweater and it has been worse than wearing black shoes with white socks.

What’s the big deal? I could have been wearing a fruit hat like Carmen Miranda or Borat’s swim wear and nobody would have even bothered to look!

Is it really that big a deal that a cutie like me wears a pink “V” neck sweater, c’mon pink is the new navy blue.

“Ohhh my, look at you with that pink sweater.”

Hum…so? Have you seen your roots lately?

“Hey ever since you were promoted you have a different hair cut and you wear upscale clothes…”

Hmm my hair is just a little longer and it is just a frigging Banana Republic “V” neck!!!!!! Care to work harder instead of looking at my clothes? You may get promoted too, you know?

“Oh, hi”

(I am being scanned from head to toe by the office second shortest person ever)

“Is something wrong with you today, do you have a cold?”

W hy, does pink make me look sick?

“If I were you, I would not wear pink, people will think you are gay.”

Said to me the gay straight guy of the office. (Closet case, cough!)

Seriously, nobody made such a fuss when our office microwave was mysteriously kidnapped from the office kitchen-cafeteria last Friday.

Yup, all because I am wearing a pink “V” neck sweater. Check it out it is trending more at twitter right now than Kate Middleton’s royal tits.

Not another “50 Shades of Grey” post

17 Sep

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So my agent called me and told me I lost the part of Christian Grey to Justin Bieber in the upcoming movie project adaptation of “50 Shades of Beaver, ahem, Grey.”

I was like, “WTF? I would have done it for less, much less.”

Well, he does look much more like a 21 year old virgin than I do.

Then I was told he would be playing the guy and that really pissed my Inner Goddess off.

So I called my agent again and I was like, “WTF, I lost the virgin part to Justin Bieber and now he is playing a dude, can’t you do anything, right it’s like your managing Cuba Gooding Jr. s career!!!!”

My Inner Goddess just wants to scream so loud but instead decides to appeal to sanity so she pours herself a double scotch to ease the tension.

Yes, my Inner Goddess is a drunk too.

“JEEEZZZ”.

See, I too can play to that tune.

Seriously, I mean. Is Justin Bieber old enough to go to a bookstore and purchase “50 shades of Grey”? I would guess he definitely needs to read the book in order to understand what he is getting himself into.

“Excuse me sir, do you have “50 Shades of Grey” in paperback? ”

“Sorry, young lady but that kind of literature is for 40 year old virgins. May I suggest The Tales of Beddle the Bard, instead?’

I even wonder how the auditions for the part would go:

Director: “Please read and interpret the following quote: “Poor, f—ed up, kinky, philanthropic Christian.””

Justin: “Hey, it’s not nice to call Christians names. I have really good Lutheran neighbors up my street. What is a philanthropic?”

I even heard he wrote a song called “Inner Goddess”

If I was your Inner Goddess, I’d never let you go
I can take you places you ain’t never been before
Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know
I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow
Swag swag swag, on you

Chillin by the fire why we eatin’ fondue
I dunno about me but I know about you
So say hello to falsetto in three two.
I’d like to be everything you want.

Inner Goddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssss!

Pretty clever, huh?

Then my agent called again and suggested that maybe I should open a twitter account under the name: “Inner Goddess” and provide some advice, just like Dionne Warwick but sassier but guess what?

“The “Inner Goddess” already has one and a frigging blog with it!!!!!!!” (I’ve just become her follower).

Some people just have it all, don’t they.

Sunday at the campaign with…

27 Aug

Pauline Marois.

She wore her Sunday best, left the humble triplex she shares with Françoise David, (you know the saying: “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”).

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She walked into a restaurant to surprise the clients but her high heel shoes almost made her splat her face in the sidewalk.

Merde, Louboutin!”

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To cool off from the “faux pas” she walked in and offered free decaf to everyone with chocolatines and croissants included.

“It’s on me!” -she roared in perfect French.

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However her expression changed when the waiter mentioned there were only English muffins left.

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Pictures by the Montreal Gazette

I Overheard it…

24 Aug

Two girls this morning whom I shared the elevator with.

Girl 1: “So, how was it?”

Girl 2: “Great, we had a great time, nice conversation, funny, he is nice and cute.”

Girl 1: (with eyes popping)  “Niiiiiceee, how was the kissing, was it good?”

Girl 2: “Twilight good!”

“HUH?”

Thank God she did not say: “Fifty Shades of Grey good.”

Quebec politics for dummies

22 Aug

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So I am going now for my fourth provincial election since I moved to this country, ahem, province and I think I am finally getting the grip of this whole Quebec politics arena.

It is actually ironic and funny. I mean parliament can be dissolved when things don’t go well for you and if you are lucky and your opponents win, you leave all the crap for them to solve. If you win, you better have a good plan B.

So explained to you all with apples, here goes:

The Liberals.- These are the dudes who want to stay in power and remain part of the whole rest of Canada. They are nice and open to immigrants, they have a vision for development and macroeconomic indicators. However, their thirst for capitalism and the big picture usually blinds them to see the problems within the Province, like healthcare, unemployment, high debt and corruption in our laughable construction industry.

Jean Charest, the Premiere is trying to win a fourth consecutive run and make history as the “numero 1” beating former Premier Bourassa’s record.

Charest is a cool dude, he shops at Cosco, Metro, and he is all smiles; but he also likes money, money, money and not precisely in the pockets of the less fortunate.

Oh, and he pissed a shit load of students when he announced he was rising tuition fees!

“So far, so good?”

The separatists.-

These are the dudes on the other side of the ring. The irony is that the separatists are exactly that, all separated.

I did not want to use the word dismembered, bless their souls, because “guess what?” they have broken into at least four separatists political parties product from their main breeder, the Parti Québécois.

Anyway, all these guys who never got the memo that states: “union makes strength” want to make Quebec a poor indebted fascist independent State where no other language but French is spoken, and God forbid any immigrant which pretends to land here in search of a better quality of living, does not speak the language either, else they will have no rights until they do so. At least that is what one of the delusional leaders of one wants to do if she takes power, Pauline Marois.

Pauline is the snobbish millionaire queen mother who rules the “PQ”. She is one of the last walking dinosaurs on the face of the land which still believes, after 40 years of being in a political party that has been a hemorroid in Canada’s ass, in the sovereignity of Quebec.

Well, actually sort of, the fact that she is terrified of conducting a referendum and losing it with her head in the process, has created discomfort inside her party, a fact that has made hard core members want to separate, but from HER!

One of them is François Legault, former founder of Air Transat, look at the irony, and one of the most aggressive separatists that ever walked the face of Earth. One sunny day he decided it was time to quit politics as he believed the PQ will never acquire the dream of creating a free country away from Canada.

But one stupid visionary who probably hated him, convinced him to come back after a 3 year break, and create his own party.

And oh he did, the “Caca” or as it is officially called, the CAQ.

But wait there’s more, not only he came back to the political arena, he came back with a new couple of slogans:

“We love anglophones!”

“Huh?”

“The CAQ will not conduct a referendum if elected…at least not in the next ten years”

“Huh, again?”

Yup, politics. Where ardent sovereignists can have a change of heart.

Anything for a seat in Parliament and a Canadian pension, if you ask me.

Now, we also have some other political actors which are like the sidekicks of a movie starring Matthew McConaughey.

You know, those movies in which the lead actor is so bad that as a worse sidekick you have no choice but to spit a few bad jokes, to make sure nobody forgets you are in the picture.

Such is the case of Amir Khadir. An Iranian doctor (who I believe should stay working in a hospital or open a frigging family clinic, for Christ sake I have been waiting for a family doctor for four years and this dude makes a living by pissing people off!!!!).

Anyway he immigrated to Canada only to become a left wing separatist with no tolerance for the Grand Prix and Jews.

He founded a party called Quebec Solidaire, which shows everything but solidarity to people except potheads,moustached lesbians and feminists. He believes he is the reincarnation of Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. combined.

Then we have another minor actor in the comedy, Option Nationale’s own Jean Martin Aussant, also a former dude from the PQ, who no longer believed in Marois and founded his own little gig. The only difference from the rest of the separatists is that this guy actually speaks English and believes in an independent Quebec with anglophones included. Huh? (Not gonna happen).

Anyway in a nutshell this is what we have as options to rule our beloved “Belle Province.”

Scary huh?

This is almost as dark as the Mexican elections last June.

*Sigh*

I am running out of options and have almost nowhere to run, maybe Prince Edward Island could adopt me, I am sure there are not many “mexicanos” in that piece of land. I could open my own “changarro” and live happily ever after.

I am also sure I am voting this September 4th, that is what true democracy is all about.Because despite who wins the election next month, at least I will have the right to bitch and moan at the government all I want.

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