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Guess who had the last laugh?

20 Mar

Happy Spring, loosers!

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Your friend,

 

Canadian Winter

Straight Talk

22 Feb

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Me walking into a group of people while a conversation was being held.

Man 1: Oh glad you joined. Say you had the choice to undergo a vasectomy. Would you do it?

Me: Yes. (Extremely nonchalant).

Man 2: Oh look at you all relaxed with your response.

Me: What’s your point?

Man 1: We were having the vasectomy discussion and Man 3 would not even dare do it.

Me: Oh!

Man 3 is eating a sandwich and chokes.

Me: Why not?

Man 3: It is not natural.

Me: Huh?

Me 1: Now lets say you are a woman and you don’t want anymore kids. Would you tell your husband to undergo surgery.

Me:……I guess, it would be more fun than taking pills or using condoms.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Man 3: It is not natural.

Me: A vasectomy, or me enjoying my newly renewed sex life without preservatives if I were a woman?

Man 3: Both!!!

Me: So you’d rather have your wife undergo the procedure.

Man 3: Yes.

Wow 

Me: What about you Man 1, would you undergo a vasectomy procedure?

Man 1: I don’t know

Me: Yes or No?

Man 1: I’d be very afraid, I-I-I- d-d-don’t know, maybe, but I..

Me: Yes or No.

Man 1: More a “No” over a “Yes”

Me: So, it’s a “no”

Man 1: Yes.

 Me: But then again, it is reversible

Man 3 chokes again and squirms as I can mentally see his penis shrinking to the size of a peanut.

Man 3: It is not normal!

Me: Neither then plastic surgery or a woman fixed.

Man 1: I would undergo surgery!!!!

Me: But not a vasectomy???

Gay

Man 1: I think so

Me: It is not normal

Man 1: Plastic Surgery?

Me: No, my patience!!!!!

 

 

Pauline Arrabbiata

22 Feb

Our beloved Premiere, Pauline Marois, has nothing more important in her agenda than bashing once again allophones as her Stasi Language Police is bashing now italians and has set its sights on one of the trendiest restaurants in Montreal, over the inclusion of the word ‘pasta’ on its menus.
According to the letter, the menu’s use of Italian words in the titles of some dishes, despite their being accompanied by descriptions in French, falls short of compliance with the province’s language charter.

 

So I am wondering if I open my little mexican “changarro” how on gay hell would I translate: 

“Tlacoyos” or “Papadzules” or “Panuchos?”

 

Yup, there’s far less important things in Quebec like the (lack of family doctors, employment, competitive salaries, progress, investment, jobs, progress, did I say that already?, education, than actually the issue of bashing one of the trendiest and most emblematic Italian restaurants in Montreal, because its main dishes are in …italian.

 

Yes, we got the liberals out of power, happy? Now it is time to pay the price for it.

 

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I can’t wait for spring cleaning!!!!!

 

Pic. Courtesy from The Gazette. Aislin

Just a Thought

15 Feb

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If that Meteor hits Earth.

I wanna be this guy

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Valentine Talk

15 Feb

Two straight, single guys at the elevator next to me.

-Hey that was one big bouquet!

-I know, that must have cost a fortune.

-And for what, the flowers probably will be dead by tomorrow, anyways

-Phew, and you are going to need them for one night.

(Both laugh)

And that is how I knew they were single

Cough please

12 Dec

So I went to the doctor, annual check up: FANTASTIC!
Then he goes: 

-Any casual “fun” sex outside your relationship, street drugs, cocaine..?

Who am I Lindsay Lohan?.

Yes, actually a very boring Lindsay Lohan.

Movember Celebrity Cause

22 Nov

I am so happy more and more people specially celebrities are joining the Movember cause agains prostate cancer. Even LaToya Jackson!

 

KUDOS LaToya!

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Why is Paul Ryan Sad?

8 Nov

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Well, he thought he was going to go here.

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But instead he is going back here

 

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Not the White House he expected.

 

Meanwhile in a distant Mormonic galaxy far, far, far away…

 

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“Wheeeeee!”

 

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“Meh, shit happens, at least we are frigging rich!”

A blender, a book, and a hula.

27 Oct

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I feel for all of you stay home moms or dads in America. Your daytime television is a disaster.

Last Thursday, I decided to work from home as my post vacation cold was getting the best of me and per experience when you show up with a cold at the office, some people treat you like a leper.

I think what finally cured my runny nose and sneezing was not the doses of NeoCitron but the shock of actually having daytime TV from the US as background noise.

This is what I learned.

The Travis Stork Show.

“Say what? What do you mean the show is called, The Doctors?”

Yes, this is a show about four doctors, kinda like having four “Dr. Oz’s” in one. The catch to captivate the female audience, is the fact that there is a cute one, Travis Stork, and all the show evolves around him. He is the only one who talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, shows biceps, talks, shows chest, talks, smiles to the camera, talks, wears the gym outfits, and talks, he for the whole hour, while the other three…well lets say they better be looking for another job outside the network and considering changing agents.

Daytime crap shows follow the same pattern. It is simple. They bring a guest, he/she offers a tear jerker testimonial of how they lost 7000 pounds by using a hula and “presto:”

THE WHOOOOOLE AUDIENCE GETS A HUUULA!

Screams and clapping from audience.

Then we have a stay home dad who looked like Omar Khadr, but discovered that by walking 15 minutes a day you could change your lifestyle, become a hunk and a published author.

“The Pains of Looking like a Terrorist and Being Fat!”

THE WHOOOOLE AUDIENCE GETS THE BOOK

Screams and clapping from audience.

Act Three. A woman shows up and mentions how he lost weight by changing her eating habits and drinking shakes made with Greek yoghurt.

THE WHOLE AUDIENCE GETS…A BLENDER!!!!!!!”

Screams and clapping from audience.

Seriously, for over an hour I did not hear anything else but the audience yelling, screaming and clapping by being given all those freebies. Who is gonna carry all that crap, anyway?

A hula? Really?

I mean if it were a car or at least a job. No, a blender, a book and a hula. Bliss.

Afterwards to make the pain excruciating, there is the eternal household game show. “The Price is Right.”

Seriously. I have known this show for decades and I can’t even tell you how annoyed I get by stupid contestants who after 40 years still don’t know that if you want to win the car in “Hi s and Low s” you never, NEVER, EVER, choose the Preparation H ointment or the Tide with Sheer Color Guard,

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE!

I can understand that the Marine Corp. may not know how much is the price of a glamorous collection of maternity clothes but bidding $2000dls. for a trip to Australia!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Lets not go into the showcase showdown, where I have won in my head 34 Speedboats, 12 cars, 6 trailers, 78 trips around the world, 247 dining rooms and never gone over.

Sigh. Yes that is what TV has to offer for stay home people. That and Barbara Walters questioning “Why nobody in America has brought up the fact that Mitt Romney is a Mormon?

Let me tell you why.

“Babs, -I call her Babs-. Nobody cares he is a Mormon, people would care if he had 8 wives locked in a basement with 6 children each calling him “papa” and he would publicly confess he owns a Starbucks franchise.”

There.

“Oh, Thank God, I think the NeoCitron is finally kicking in.”

Wall Street On The Roof

11 Oct

 

“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch. Matchmaker, matchmaker, look through your internet online dating site, and make me a perfect match!

So meet Larry Greenfield a very unlucky Wall Street millionaire (see, money does not buy happiness) who at 47, is still single. And he probably still lives with his mother.

Lazar Wolf’s, ahem, sorry, Larry’s problem, is simple. He is trapped in Anatevka. He wants to find a slim, younger lovely jewish girl who has no ambition in life but to cook, clean and gives him daughters -rumor has it he already picked the names- Tzeitel, Chava, Hodel, Bielke and Shprintze.

“Wake up and smell the piroshki!”

Like he is going to find one of those in New York at this time and age.

The most amazing thing is that he has spent $65,000, yes $65,000 and gone to 250 dates to realize that he is just not that good of a catch!

Seriously, I would have charged him half of it, no, lets be honest, I would have been happy with enough money to pay my credit card debt and would tell him the ugly truth straight and forward.

“Larry, you are ugly and you need Rogaine!”- there.

Yup, sadly, money does not buy love, nor happiness…but ahhhhh:

If I were a rich man,
Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Idle-diddle-daidle-daidle man.

But hey, at least I got the looks!

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