Quebec politics for dummies

22 Aug

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So I am going now for my fourth provincial election since I moved to this country, ahem, province and I think I am finally getting the grip of this whole Quebec politics arena.

It is actually ironic and funny. I mean parliament can be dissolved when things don’t go well for you and if you are lucky and your opponents win, you leave all the crap for them to solve. If you win, you better have a good plan B.

So explained to you all with apples, here goes:

The Liberals.- These are the dudes who want to stay in power and remain part of the whole rest of Canada. They are nice and open to immigrants, they have a vision for development and macroeconomic indicators. However, their thirst for capitalism and the big picture usually blinds them to see the problems within the Province, like healthcare, unemployment, high debt and corruption in our laughable construction industry.

Jean Charest, the Premiere is trying to win a fourth consecutive run and make history as the “numero 1” beating former Premier Bourassa’s record.

Charest is a cool dude, he shops at Cosco, Metro, and he is all smiles; but he also likes money, money, money and not precisely in the pockets of the less fortunate.

Oh, and he pissed a shit load of students when he announced he was rising tuition fees!

“So far, so good?”

The separatists.-

These are the dudes on the other side of the ring. The irony is that the separatists are exactly that, all separated.

I did not want to use the word dismembered, bless their souls, because “guess what?” they have broken into at least four separatists political parties product from their main breeder, the Parti Québécois.

Anyway, all these guys who never got the memo that states: “union makes strength” want to make Quebec a poor indebted fascist independent State where no other language but French is spoken, and God forbid any immigrant which pretends to land here in search of a better quality of living, does not speak the language either, else they will have no rights until they do so. At least that is what one of the delusional leaders of one wants to do if she takes power, Pauline Marois.

Pauline is the snobbish millionaire queen mother who rules the “PQ”. She is one of the last walking dinosaurs on the face of the land which still believes, after 40 years of being in a political party that has been a hemorroid in Canada’s ass, in the sovereignity of Quebec.

Well, actually sort of, the fact that she is terrified of conducting a referendum and losing it with her head in the process, has created discomfort inside her party, a fact that has made hard core members want to separate, but from HER!

One of them is François Legault, former founder of Air Transat, look at the irony, and one of the most aggressive separatists that ever walked the face of Earth. One sunny day he decided it was time to quit politics as he believed the PQ will never acquire the dream of creating a free country away from Canada.

But one stupid visionary who probably hated him, convinced him to come back after a 3 year break, and create his own party.

And oh he did, the “Caca” or as it is officially called, the CAQ.

But wait there’s more, not only he came back to the political arena, he came back with a new couple of slogans:

“We love anglophones!”

“Huh?”

“The CAQ will not conduct a referendum if elected…at least not in the next ten years”

“Huh, again?”

Yup, politics. Where ardent sovereignists can have a change of heart.

Anything for a seat in Parliament and a Canadian pension, if you ask me.

Now, we also have some other political actors which are like the sidekicks of a movie starring Matthew McConaughey.

You know, those movies in which the lead actor is so bad that as a worse sidekick you have no choice but to spit a few bad jokes, to make sure nobody forgets you are in the picture.

Such is the case of Amir Khadir. An Iranian doctor (who I believe should stay working in a hospital or open a frigging family clinic, for Christ sake I have been waiting for a family doctor for four years and this dude makes a living by pissing people off!!!!).

Anyway he immigrated to Canada only to become a left wing separatist with no tolerance for the Grand Prix and Jews.

He founded a party called Quebec Solidaire, which shows everything but solidarity to people except potheads,moustached lesbians and feminists. He believes he is the reincarnation of Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. combined.

Then we have another minor actor in the comedy, Option Nationale’s own Jean Martin Aussant, also a former dude from the PQ, who no longer believed in Marois and founded his own little gig. The only difference from the rest of the separatists is that this guy actually speaks English and believes in an independent Quebec with anglophones included. Huh? (Not gonna happen).

Anyway in a nutshell this is what we have as options to rule our beloved “Belle Province.”

Scary huh?

This is almost as dark as the Mexican elections last June.

*Sigh*

I am running out of options and have almost nowhere to run, maybe Prince Edward Island could adopt me, I am sure there are not many “mexicanos” in that piece of land. I could open my own “changarro” and live happily ever after.

I am also sure I am voting this September 4th, that is what true democracy is all about.Because despite who wins the election next month, at least I will have the right to bitch and moan at the government all I want.

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