At the SPA

27 Jul



So I got a really good gift last week for my birthday. The advantage of a birthday is that sometimes you do get what you ask for. So my “beloved half” gave me a SPA certificate. Finally! Because in Christmas he always gets me what I tell him not to.

“I don’t need a sweater, do not spend money on one.”

Then in Christmas Day…

“Oh, I know you said you did not want one but ….I could not resist”

A gray sweater. Third time is the charm.

So, the SPA. Yes. I was always curious to see what happened in those places and if the hype is what it always appears to be behind closed doors.

Going to a SPA is like trying pot for the first time. You want to try it at least once and see what the outcome is. Since I won’t go into details regarding my drug habits (which I don’t have, thank you very much), I’ll focus on the SPA.

So there I went to cleanse my dead skin cells and treat my muscular back to a evening of bliss.

“Namaste, welcome, you have entered the zone of comfort. Mr. G, you have a facial included and a 90 minute body massage.”

“Namaste to you t..”

“Here are some sandals, a towel and your bathrobe, please proceed to the locker room and then go down the corridor to the right and someone will get you.”

Good, that’s relaxing

The waiting room seems like a scene from “The Crying Game” where I felt someone would come out behind a curtain and shoot me without notice.

“Hi sir, welcome I am Sabrina I will give you your facial today, please follow me to this room…

Following her

…please disrobe yourself and lie down on your back. I will be right back to start with your facial”

Did she say: “Disrobe yourself?”  For a facial?

Why would I have to be naked in a bed for a facial, (pardon the choice of words) but, I assumed I would sit down head back and someone would put cucumbers or potatoes on top of my lids like on TV, but strippin down for a facial from an eighteen year old girl…who is she Kristen Stewart?

My first instinct was to crawl in bed and grab my balls.



“Well,good, lets explore your type of skin and I will blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…”

I really did not pay much attention to what she was saying, I was worried either a fart would come out or that she would keep staring at my crotch while muddying my nose.

Naked for a facial, for God’s sake.

It is not that I am a prude but I felt somewhat vulnerable and cold, which also does not contribute to portray the real size of my package; but it felt like that one time I did yoga for the first time. I was more worried that every time the guy in front would bend his nuts would fall out his shorts and that I would burst out in laughter. Never went back.

Once applied the two tons of mud and oils in my face and after the girl complimented me on my flawless skin, that’s how she said it, flawless skin, I decided to relax a bit and actually took one hand away from my balls, just one.  It is amazing that in a place where I was supposed to relax I felt extremely uneasy

What if there is a fire while I am stuck here. What should I do, run half blind, naked, and with a hand in my crotch? I’d make a mess running with this mud all over. Should I run for the door or the bathrobe?, should I yell, will some one come pick me up? 

I can see the headlines in my future.
“Rather nude than burnt. Man of flawless skin runs naked from a SPA in order to save his life from a fire. It is presumed the fire started due to a malfunction of the sandalwood and lavender candles by the lobby.”

“Lets now squeeze your


…blackheads, Mr. G this is the worst part of the facial”


After that, God knows what was in that mud but I did fell asleep, hand in crotch, for over 15 minutes.

“Great, that is all for today.” She came to wake me up as I jumped startled.


“Oh, sir. Would you like to use our bathroom?”

I knew she was staring, I knew it!


“Yes your massage is next and you’d be far more comfortable in any case so you wont have to interrupt it.”

“Oh. thanks!”

Ok. Yet definitely not relaxing.


4 Responses to “At the SPA”

  1. Aisha July 30, 2012 at 10:03 pm #

    OMG I was laughing so hard my husband is looking at me like I’m nuts! No pun intended (: I now have a mental picture of you lying naked on a table shivering with your hands on your junk LMFAO!

  2. allomontreal July 31, 2012 at 8:11 am #

    LOL please dont, I had a nice sheet. But seriously a facial in the flesh?!?!?!?!?
    Glad you enjoyed, please recommend or retweet 🙂

    Wait…what do you mean “my junk??”

  3. Crayon July 31, 2012 at 2:54 pm #

    I’ll tweet it right now! As for the Junk comment it’s just an expression to describe male genitalia ;P You should follow me on twitter @cynicalcrayon por favor 🙂

    • allomontreal July 31, 2012 at 5:52 pm #

      I know what you meant, lol.

      Thanks for tweeting!!! Ill follow you!

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